Honeybeads Blog

Good morning. As I write this down here in my basement, I am staring at a vine that has started growing in through the basement window. I have been watching it grow for about 2 weeks now. It is about 2 feet long inside the house! It's starting to look like Jumanji down here!!

I'm working this morning. Nana is going to school to eat lunch with Fletch and then she will stay and we will all go to dinner tonight. No wonder I have an eating disorder...my life revolves around food!!

So far, I feel really good today. No bingeing or purging since last weekend. I'm feeling good about that.

Brian is in Virginia until tomorrow night. I miss him already. He is flying Delta Comair. Yes, just like the one that crashed Sunday. Pray for him for his safe return!

Psalm 117.

As I sat down to write this, Chase fell going up the stairs and took a big chunk out of his tongue. Boy, it is bleeding. He's tough, though. Not too many tears. The blood scared him more than anything.
I'm doing ok today. I've got a lot to do.

Well, we've had a birthday party for Chase and Brian both yesterday and today. And I totally messed up. I ate way too much. I didn't just eat, I binged. I feel so fat and gross right now, it's unbelievable. I can't even begin to write how I am feeling right now. Like a total failure. As big as a house. I look at myself in the mirror and see a fat girl. Tomorrow I will start the strict calorie count again and pick up my cardio.

It's been a long couple of days. Yesterday about half way through my day at work, someone said something to me that set me off. Totally ruining my good steak of days. So, today, was a b/p day. Man, why do I let people upset me?!?!?!?!? Tomorrow is a new day. But, I have to go to work and see those people. I hope I can make it through the day without freaking out.

It's almost 9:30, and I'm dead tired. I still have tons of stuff to do, but I just can't tonight. Jewelry will have to wait for tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to my meeting Saturday mornig. I'm also going to ask the doctor to increase my prozac dose. Twitchy legs or not, I think I need more.

Chase is staying with mom for a couple of days, so it's kind of quiet around here.

Yes, it's barely 5 am, and I'm up. I got up at 4 to get on the treadmill. Yes, I know, crazy. I am going to work this morning, and I have to leave at 6am. I wanted to get in my morning cardio and my morning quiet time. So, there.

I might go to a meeting tonight if I can get there in time. I would like to . I am starting to like and actually look forward to going to these meetings.

It's been a busy couple of days. We had a great weekend. Did not really have any plans, just hung out here at home and went swimming Sunday afternoon. Saturday morning I went to a meeting. I actually looked forward to going to it. I felt really good after I left, and I did not b/p all weekend. It's been since Thursday of last week, actually! I think I'm on a roll. The prozac might actually be working. I worked yesterday. That always help keep me busy and my mind occupied. I really enjoy my job.

Fletcher is doing great in school. I still can't believe he is a first-grader. He is reading so well, and almost all of his teeth are loose! They will all probably fall out at once! He is so handsome, just like his Dad.

Chase starts preschool next week. He will have the same teacher Fletch had. I am very excited. He turns 4 next Friday!! I can't believe that! My babies are no more. They are growing up way too fast.

I made a new bracelet for the website. It is a bulimia awareness bracelet. It is done in light sapphire ab. Periwinkle is the color for bulima awareness, so this was the closest thing I could find to that. It is really pretty. I put lots of bali beads in it as well as a serenity bead. Brian will have it on the website soon.

I worked at the hospital today. It was a typical day of hemodialysis. It's nice to have a little job like I have. I get to work a little, and still be a stay at home mom for the most part. I am very blessed.

Yesterday, after 3 good days in a row, I had a not-so-good day. I just gave in to the urge to compulsively eat, and I binged. Then, feeling totally gross and fat, purged. Afterwards, I felt like a complete failure. But I woke up this morning, and it's a new day. Things seemed brighter and more hopeful. So, another couple of days in the life of an anorexic/bulimic.

I have been on the prozac for 3 weeks now. It's hard to tell if it is working. I don't know what to expect with it.

I heard someone say yesterday (Dr. Phil, actually), life is too short to be unhappy. That has kind of stuck in my head. God made me the way I am, and that should be good enough for me if it is good enough for him.

I have started reading a new book. It is Natalie Grant's story. She is a Christian singer, who also suffered from bulimia. She has great insight into this disease.

I have a meeting tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it this week. Maybe that's progress............

Well, I've had 3 good days in a row! This is quite an accomplishment for me. I hope to contiue the trend tomorrow. One day at a time. I've felt positive for the last couple of days too. I've just felt good. I'm so excited.

Fletcher started first grade yesterday. He came home and said"I love first grade!" I am so proud of him. He is growing up so (too) fast.

Chase and I have been having a good time while Fletcher is in school. He starts pre-school on the 29th.

I've been on the prozac for almost 3 weeks now. I think it might be helping. I hope. I haven't felt hopeless about my weight for a couple of days and I haven't been on the scale since Monday. That is huge for me. I haven't been thinking about food every minute of every day. I still find myself watching the clock and waiting for my next meal, but it's not been too bad so far. I think I'll keep going to the meetings too.

Today was a decent day. I worked at the hospital, then went to the Y. Had a good dinner, and a binge free day!! I'm exhausted though. I'm off to bed now.
I worked on the budget tonight. It's kind of fun. It's becoming my newest obsession.
Fletcher starts school tomorrow. First grade. What a big boy. I don't know what I will do with him gone all day. It's going to be wierd for a while.
Off to bed now.

Pretty good weekend. I didn't really have any big binges, and no purging. So, that's something! I went to a meeting Saturday morning, and I think that helped. Then Brian and I went to see Andy and Jana. We had a nice time with them. Went to dinner...Itallian. And yes, I ate pasta. The entire plate of mushroom ravioli. It was AWESOME! Then we took a nice, long walk across the Purple People Bridge. We had a really nice visit.

I work tomorrow. It's good to get out of the house and be a nurse for a while. I work 9 to 3. Pretty good hours!!

Fletcher starts first grade Tuesday. It's a little bitter sweet. I'll let you know how it goes Tuesday night.

Off to watch a movie with my honey...........

The boys and I are having a great time. We are going to the library and movie tomorrow. No need to worry about us. Have a great day at work and please go to the meeting Sat.

Well, yesterday was a complete failure of a day as far as the binge/purge thing goes. Totally blew it!! But today is a good day. I got up to do my 2 1/2 miles on the treadmill, and just couldn't do it today. So, I got off the crazy thing and did not do it at all. Maybe I'll feel guilty about it later, maybe I won't. Maybe the Prozac has started to work. Today is day 13. My therapist says it will take 4-6 weeks for it to start working. I wonder how I will know...hmmm......
Today, the boys are going to mom's for the weekend. I'm taking the dogs to the vet. I'm working tomorrow. That's a good thing. We need the money.
I got on the scale this am. My weight was up a little, but that's to be expected from my binging yesterday. I plan on going to a meeting Saturday monrning. I don't know how I feel about these meetings yet.

I've kept busy today and worked all day yesterday, so no binging since Saturday. Yippee!! I haven't got on the scale since Sunday either. This is huge for me. No real news to report. I've got several orders to do tonight and still need to make my bulimia bracelet. Must go get started on some other chores first.

Well, I made it through another weekend. I ate a lot. I haven't stepped on the scale since Friday, and I don't want to know what it says. I feel really fat and gross today. So, tomorrow, I'm sure I will punish myself by eating very little. I work at the hospital tomorrow, so this will help pass the time. Hopefully by mid-week, I will start to feel not so fat. I hope. I'm still on the prozac, and think maybe it might be helping. We'll see.

Yesterday the boys, mom, and I went to Bridgett's for the day. We had a great time. The boys were able to play with their cousins, Addie and Charlie. Bridgett and I went blueberry picking and had a great time. We picked tons of blueberries. I can't wait to use them. I'm going to look for some good recipees and we will put them in our smoothies too!

I ate like a normal person yesterday. I did not freak out and binge and purge either. Still on the prozac. Hmmm...............

So far, today is a good day too. We'll see how it turns out.

Brian comes home tonight. I miss him so much when he is gone.

I had some eating issues today. I don't know what happened. No stress, anxiety, or anything else to trigger it. Just truly, a compulsive, overeating binge episod. Unfortunately, I followed it up with a purge. It is like someone or something else has control over me during these episodes. It is a horrible feeling, being out of control like that. I absolutely hate it. Just when I think I have this thing whipped, it rears its ugly head again. I just want to be a normal person, with normal eating patterns.