Honeybeads Blog

Today has been a good day so far. No binges or urges to binge yet. Lots of stuff to do today. The boys are being really good and I'm not stressing out.

Day #4 of Prozac. I don't really notice anything yet, except maybe I'm sleeping really well at night. I'm also having a hard time waking up in the mornings. But that's it, really.

The weekend wasn't too bad. I didn't go on any real binges, and did not purge. So, I guess it was a successful weekend.

I went to a meeting on Saturday, and that was pretty good. I think I will keep going to the Saturday meetings.

Must go now, lots to do yet today.

Today is starting out pretty good. I just got back from a meeting. So we'll see what the day has in store for me.

Last night Brian and I decided we would give the Prozac a chance. So, I took my first one last night, and again this morning. Day 2 of Prozac. I did some research on Prozac and the treatment of bulimia. It's the first drug of choice for the treatment of bulimia.

Well today I did ok until about 5pm, and then I just gave in to the urge, again, two days in a row.

I go to a meeting in the morning. I always seem to feel better after these. There are a couple of recovering bulimics there. They have been in recovery for years, so that's a positive thing for me.

Some days just seem so good, while others start great, and as the day goes on, I get hungrier and hungrier, and then I just feel like I need to eat and eat and eat. Then the guilt and shame come into play, and I feel horrible and gross and totally fat.

I think Brian is having a hard time with this. He is a real trooper, but I know I am putting a strain on our marriage. I just want to be the perfect wife for him. I love him so much. He is my best friend.

More tomorrow.....

Well, yesterday was a "bad" day. After I had my morning snack, I just gave in to my cravings and binged. Then, of course, I felt totally gross afterwards, and purged it all. I totally lost it.

Today, I am not going to dwell on it. It is a new day, with hope. I plan to keep busy and not "dwell" on it today.

I am going to be working on a new bracelet this weekend. I have a line of awareness bracelets, so I think I will add to my collection with an eating disorder bracelet. The awareness color is periwinkle blue. So, that is what I will be working on. I am excited about this.

Fletcher and Chase will be going to Chuckie Cheese's with Aunt Kira and Lindsay today. Thanks girls. I will be working my garage sale to get my total money makeover up and running. If it is not bolted to the floor in my house, it is up for sale. Just kidding, but I am "purging" my house of a lot of clutter and junk, and hopefully will make some bucks in the process.

Happy Friday!

Ok, so I've made it through another day without binging and purging. One day at a time. I feel good about this.

I saw my medical doctor today just for a check up. My therapist, Paula, wanted me to see him since I haven't really been seen by him since I started this whole anorexia/bulimia thing. He is very worried about me. He thinks that I can beat this, though. He gave me an Rx for prozac. Uggh. I don't know if I will take it or not. My next appointment with Paula is next Thursday. I'll see what she says. I just don't want to take any drugs. Yuck!!

The scale is a big issue for me. I am obsessed with a certain number. If I'm not at that number when I get up in the morning, I usually have a bad day, and this can lead to binging and purging. Anything over 102, and I freak out!! After my binge last Saturday, I was at 110!! I wanted to die. I felt fat and gross. I know this is totally irrational and that 8-10 pounds would probably be good for me, but that is easier said than done. I haven't weighed myself since sunday. Paula suggested getting rid of the scale after I admitted to her that I sometimes weigh myself 10-15 times a day. CRAZY GIRL!! So, I haven't weighed myself since Sunday. I got up this morning, and got the scale out........102.
I'd really like to be an even 100. I know this sounds crazy, but I guess I am a little crazy. Brian is threatening to throw it out....

Ok, so today is going pretty good so far. Chase and I are home today getting ready for our garage sale we are having this Friday and Saturday. I am constantly thinking about food, and when I can eat next. Some days are torture. But, I have not given in to the urge yet today. I have a doctor's appointment at 4:30. This will get me out of the house and away from the mundane and the food.

More later........

Hello everyone. I want to update everyone with what is going on with me.
I have decided within the past couple of months to admit to myself and my family that I have an eating disorder. I have recently decided to get help for this, and with much love and support from my family, I am starting therapy and meetings. God is good, and I try to remember that through this dark time in my life.

Since losing the 60 pounds, I have become obsessed with diet and exercise. I consume fewer than 1000 calories some days, and exercise up to 3 hours a day. Then, there are days when I will just binge on anything and everything I can get my hands on. More recently, I have started to purge, or make myself vomit, after such binges. I know that this is wrong, but I have come to terms that this is a disease, and I need help to be healed.

First and foremost, I have put all of my faith in God. I know he can heal me, and he is allowing me to go through this for some reason. There are days when all I do is question Him about this. Some days are absolutely horrible, and I wonder why he would allow this. Other days, I can totally just give it all up to Him, and do much better.

Secondly, I could not begin to heal without the wonderful support of my husband. He is totally loving and supporting of me, no matter what kind of day I am having. He is a wonderful man, and I thank God everyday for him.

I have started seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. She has really been helpful so far. I have also started going to overeaters annonymous meetings. I know this sounds strange, but there are times when I will compulsively stand in front of the pantry and consume 3000 calories within a very short period of time. There are a couple of other bulimics who attend the meetings who have been healthy for a very long time. This is very encouraging to me. It gives me more hope!

I plan on blogging daily to let everyone know how I am doing. Also, OA suggests writing as a form of therapy, especially when I have the urge to binge.

Today has been a good day. No binging and no purging. I'm hungry and feel like I want to eat a gallon of strawberry cheesecake ice cream, but I think I will go have some yogurt and grapes instead.